


If You Stay

by jjokkiri



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Exes, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mild Smut, Physical Abuse, Post-Break Up, Protectiveness, Unhealthy Relationships, bffs!hyungwonho, bffs!kihyuk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkiri/pseuds/jjokkiri
Summary: “I’ll keep you safe.”“You have no obligation to do that.”“You’re right, but I want to. I want you to smile again.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> _For Nawr;_ who, for the past three months I’ve known her, has been an amazing friend and the sweetest ever. Usually, people don’t ask for pain on their birthday, but this is a different kind of pain. So, happy birthday! I hope today and every following day are as amazing and bright as you are, and that you keep smiling!
> 
> And I hope you and everyone else who happens to stumble upon this enjoys it.

一 日三 秋. _Yí rì sān qiū._ One day is equal to three autumns; it’s a Chinese idiom used when you miss someone so much that a single day feels like three autumns has passed. Sometimes, you miss someone without even really thinking about it: they just become a passive part of your life; something that you’re just so used to thinking about that you don’t ever really notice that you’re thinking about them, anymore. Sometimes, it’s because they used to be in every single corner you looked; sometimes, it’s because you’re in love with them——even after everything.

Hoseok still thinks about Kihyun, sometimes. _All the time_. He’s always on his mind and the memories sometimes leave him staring blankly at a wall with a stupid-in-love smile on his lips. Sometimes, the memories aren’t as bright but Hoseok half-heartedly thinks: _’that’s why he’s not here, anymore’_ and he imagines Kihyun’s bright smile——thinks about who he might be with now; who might be making him smile, now. But then he laughs at himself, because _why does he care?_

He shouldn’t care, he’d remind himself and then he’d forget about Yoo Kihyun for the rest of the day. But, sometimes, he’ll look at the picture frames in his apartment and think about how they used to be filled with photos of himself and Kihyun, when they were smiling. And then, he’d think about the way they’d shouted at one another during their nasty breakup and it’d be enough to sate his mind, when he put a cigarette to his lips and exhales smoke.

Along with it, it expels the thoughts of Kihyun (but when he inhales another lungful of toxins, all the thoughts come back).

Most of the time, it isn’t as harsh on his mind. Sometimes, Kihyun is a fleeting thought in the back of his mind that he doesn’t pay any attention to——he’s just there. That’s how most days pass by. He lives normally, as if he never knew Yoo Kihyun——his mind pays little attention to the existence of a certain petite man whom he’d loved with everything he had, but his _heart_ thinks about everything they had and everything they were.

And _that’s_ what makes it feels like it’s been _years_ since he’s seen Kihyun.

But, they both live in Seoul City, so they were bound to run into one another. Yet, ever since the breakup of a three year relationship, six-months ago, he hasn’t seen Kihyun anywhere. Not in person, at least——he sees him all over Instagram in photos with their mutual friends and Kihyun’s smiles are so bright. He wonders if Kihyun’s happier now, without him.

They don’t see each other. They don’t talk. The breakup pulled strings that almost _ensured_ they’d never speak again.

But, he just absently thinks that _if they’re meant to meet again, they will_.

 

 

 

Kihyun hasn’t changed at all.

That’s what Hoseok’s initial thought is, the first time he sees Kihyun again. The first time he sees Kihyun in person after their breakup, Kihyun is standing with Minhyuk just a little away from the entrance of a busy Starbucks, both of them with extravagant Frappucinos in their hands, and they’re smiling. He looks the same as the last time they saw one another, except the brown of Kihyun’s hair is a nuance lighter. It looks good on him. Hoseok tries not to stare.

When he looks at him, though, everything about him reminds Hoseok of the night they broke up and Kihyun’s hasty exit out of his apartment, tears streaking down his visage. He can hardly wrap his head around the fact that Kihyun was _smiling_ , but it’s been six months and everything heals with time.

Hoseok just wished that he healed a little faster.

Everything boiled down to it being the fault of both of them. Neither took more blame for the end of their relationship than the other. But, no two hearts broke evenly and Hoseok just happened to take the harder hit. Or maybe that was just the assumption, when Hoseok looked at Kihyun smiling brightly with one of their friends beside him. Minhyuk’s always been able to draw laughter from almost any situation, though.

Before they even considered breaking up, before they even fought, they were tense and they had problems. Typical problems that came with couples; something about the monotony of _them_ , something about everything being too _bland_ , no matter how much they loved. It’s always timing. It was bad timing. It was only a matter of time before they broke up, looking back on it (and if Hoseok were honest with himself). But, it could have been less shouting and more bittersweet.

Kihyun hasn’t changed at all, but there’s just one major difference.

He’s not Hoseok’s anymore.

It isn’t that Hoseok can see very much from where he’s standing and he’s trying to look like he’s just queuing for his drink and _not_ blatantly staring in their direction——he doesn’t want to look pathetic, because Kihyun’s smiling and probably _so over him_ and he doesn’t need to hear the apology that wants to bubble from the blond’s lips. He wants to tell him that he’s _sorry_ for everything he said on the night they broke up, but they’re standing here six months later and Hoseok is a couple feet away——tongue-tied.

The sound of Kihyun’s laugh echoed above the bustling noise in the room and Hoseok can’t control himself from turning to look, his curiosity getting the better of him and he almost immediately regretted it when he made eye contact with both Minhyuk and Kihyun. It’s a fleeting gaze, but it suddenly feels like it’s hard to breathe.

Kihyun’s eyes flickered to him and then quickly away and Hoseok pretends that the curve of Kihyun’s lips are still in a sweet smile and that he hadn’t lost his smile, as soon as his eyes had landed on Hoseok’s visage. The blond tore his eyes away and advanced forward in the line with a heavy heart, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Can I help you?” the barista’s dimples pressed into his cheeks and Hoseok flashed a weaker smile.

When he turned with his drink in hand to leave the shop, Kihyun and Minhyuk are missing and he heaved out a sigh.

_If they were meant to meet again, they would. And they did._

It’s just not the closure Hoseok needs.

 

 

 

The next time he sees Kihyun in public, they actually do manage to exchange a few words instead of avoiding one another completely. It’s probably the only time in his life that he regrets promising Changkyun that he’d take his graveyard shift for a night, just for the younger man to be able to take someone out on a date (at ungodly hours, but he’s twenty-five and not really sure how kids do their thing, these days). _The things he does for his friends_.

Seeing Kihyun wasn’t a part of the plan.

And as much as he found himself thinking about the younger man all the time, actually seeing him in person is reliving all the moments where they went wrong. It’s realizing what he had when Kihyun was his and it’s not something that he really appreciates. Swallowing his pride and apologizing to Kihyun was something on his mind, but not _like this_. Not when Kihyun spoke to him like their affiliation hadn’t been a three-year relationship that meant the world to him.

The entire time that he’s standing across from Kihyun, though, his eyes hardly find themselves able to leave the figure of the man standing beside Kihyun.

He’s taller than the both of them with harsh features and sharp eyes, dark hair in a perfect coif that makes Hoseok want to hate him for looking like a douche, but then again, it might just be him being bitter with seeing someone he doesn’t know standing so close to Kihyun. He’s handsome; slender, but not lanky——he’s got broad shoulders and Hoseok can’t help but think about how those arms held Kihyun. But there’s something in his eyes that makes Hoseok immediately think that he’s up to no good. He’s everything that Hoseok isn’t and he supposes that the _possessive_ arm around Kihyun’s waist told him enough about their affiliation.

Hoseok had no right to complain.

“It’s been a while,” Kihyun’s lips pressed into a thin smile and Hoseok really didn’t expect to see them in the convenience store, so he’s a little stunned and he doesn’t really know what to say. He scanned the items and slowly rang up their purchases, unsure of what words might leave his lips if he were to open his mouth.

“It has,” he replied, nodding quietly.

Kihyun is helping him gather the items into a bag as he scanned them and the brunet looked at him.

“I didn’t know you worked here,” he remarked and Hoseok shook his head.

“I don’t. I’m covering for Changkyun,” he explained, absently.

Hoseok’s never been one to pick up random jobs and aside from the tight schedules of sometimes helping out his friends, he’s never worked a day in his life, willingly——he’d honed his skills from years of watching his parents train their employees. It’s the perks of being born into a family with stacks of old money. Kihyun used to tell him that he _needed_ to work, even if he didn’t need the money——just to be out of the house and away from bad spending habits.

Kihyun always told him that having the skills was always good, when times were tight. Kihyun was always right.

“Oh,” Kihyun looks like he wants to say something else, but with a quick glance to the man beside him, he closes his mouth again. Hoseok thinks it’s his imagination that Kihyun’s expression changed a little bit—— _slight discomfort, maybe?_ He brushed it off and cleared his throat, “Your total is ₩38,000.”

The man beside Kihyun pulled out his card and passed it to Hoseok and the blond swiped the card, waiting for the transaction to follow through before returning the card to the man.

“Thanks,” Kihyun smiled, “Have a nice night. It was nice seeing you again!”

The brunet quickly whirled around when there was a rough tug of his wrist from the other man and he stumbled to follow him. It’s definitely not Hoseok’s imagination when he hears the tall man ask Kihyun, _’who was that?’_ and Kihyun’s quiet response of _’just an old friend’_. Hoseok pretends that it doesn’t hurt to just be a _friend_ to Kihyun.

But, he had no right to complain because after everything: he’s lucky to even still be Kihyun’s _friend_.

 

 

 

“I can’t believe you’ve been avoiding us,” Minhyuk declared as Hoseok stepped into his shared apartment with Hyungwon. The blond sighed and shut the door behind him as he and Hyungwon took off their shoes. It’s amazing how much Minhyuk complains about not seeing him for being someone who claimed that he didn’t like him very much.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Hoseok replied, frowning. Hyungwon pat him on the shoulder and laughed quietly; Minhyuk always made things a big deal for the hell of it.

“You literally haven’t hung out with us since two months ago!”

Chuckling, Hoseok shrugged off his jacket, “No, I haven’t hung out with you. Hyungwon and I grab coffee together all the time.”

Looking scandalized, Minhyuk placed an offended hand over his chest and looked to his boyfriend, as if asking for an explanation. Hyungwon offered him nothing. But, it’s typical of Hyungwon to avoid looking a saddened Minhyuk in the eye. There was something about Lee Minhyuk making sad faces that makes it really hard to concentrate on the conversation at hand. And even if there isn’t really a true conversation happening, Hoseok would be willing to talk about the most random of things if it meant that he didn’t need to look at a pouting Minhyuk.

He didn’t intentionally avoid the younger man. It just kind of happened.

It was mainly because if there was any one of them who was close to Kihyun (closer than Hoseok was), then it was Minhyuk. And if Hoseok got to speak to Minhyuk alone, then there was an instinctive urge to ask about Kihyun. And it’s like being in withdrawal, because it’s sometimes still hard to cope with a breakup, when you loved so hard.

It’s hard to avoid asking about Kihyun when his source of information about Yoo Kihyun was sitting right in front of him——and he’s sure that Minhyuk understood why he avoided him. It didn’t mean that the dark haired man had the sense to spare him from the complaining and infinite questions, though—— _that’s just how Minhyuk was._

And as much as Hoseok complained, if it weren’t for Lee Minhyuk, then Hyungwon would have had to deal with a heartbroken Hoseok for much longer than he did. They’re all grateful for the bright, cheerful man, because without him, they might be hopeless when it came to smiles.

“So, we haven’t seen one another in a while,” Hoseok started, “Catch me up on everything I need to know.”

Hyungwon shot Hoseok a knowing look, as if telling him to be careful about what he asks——but of course he would, because if Minhyuk was the one who knew Kihyun like the back of his hand, then Hyungwon was the one who knew Hoseok better than anyone. They grew up in the same neighborhood——typical rich boys finding acquaintance with one another during the boring days of high school, among a sea of social underclassmen. Or at least, that was how it was until they ended up meeting Lee Minhyuk and Yoo Kihyun who turned their lives upside-down with a verbal declaration that _they needed to stop acting like stuck up snobs, as if they’re better than everyone else because they’re not and they’re going to fail their classes if they don’t step up their game._ That’s a good memory.

The blond brushed it off and settled onto the sofa, avoiding the gaze. The youngest sighed and headed off into the kitchen, likely to prepare a few cups of coffee to converse over.

Yet, no matter how well Hyungwon knew him, Minhyuk seemed to be able to read him as well as anyone else——and the only person he would ever lose to would be Kihyun, because they spent three years in a meaningful relationship before everything fell to pieces; it would be a disappointing miracle if Kihyun was unable to read Hoseok like a book.

So, as he would predict, Minhyuk sprawled across the sofa and eyed him, lazily, “Hyungwon and I are going to go out of town in two weeks. We’re visiting his parents.”

“Oh, didn’t you have a bad impression on his parents, last time?” Hoseok teased and the other man rolled his eyes.

“No, his parents love me. I only broke two dishes,” Minhyuk answered, looking a little miffed. Hyungwon laughed from in the kitchen and there came the correction that Minhyuk actually broke _three_ dishes. “No one asked you, Chae!”

“My opinion is always relevant!”

 _Couples will be couples_ , Hoseok thought with a bitter laugh.

“Aren’t you going to ask me about what I was doing with Kihyun, two weeks ago?” Minhyuk asked, and Hoseok sighed. He’d seen that coming, but he wasn’t anticipating it to be so soon. There was a warning intonation in Hyungwon’s voice when he called Minhyuk’s name, from in the kitchen. “We get straight to the point in this house!”

“As long as we don’t rupture unhealed wounds,” Hyungwon shot back. Hoseok had to roll his eyes at that, because it was so typical of a theater graduate to say something that sappy.

Hoseok flashed Minhyuk a weak smile and the dark haired man rolled his eyes, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the kitchen, middle finger up, and Hoseok found himself unable to hold back the snort of amusement. It was moments like this that made him question how two pairs of best friends could have fallen in love with one another and be so different in expressing their affection to one another——last time Hoseok checked, Minhyuk was all for clinging onto his boyfriend and letting all sort of sappy words spill from his lips and now he was slyly making sassy remarks to spite him.

But then again, everyone loved differently.

Ever since the breakup, Hoseok had learned that. Everyone had their own way of loving, and if he had the chance to explain himself, then maybe he would have said something along the lines of letting go of Kihyun to protect him, because they were slowly destroying themselves, whilst tangled up in each other’s arms. In every way detrimental.

“Yeah, I want to know. I’m kind of curious about a few things,” Hoseok replied, hesitantly. “I saw him the other day when I was covering for Changkyun at the convenience store. He was with some guy... looked a little uncomfortable, if I’m not fooling myself.”

At the mention of seeing Kihyun with someone else, there seemed to be a flash of shock (and maybe a slight tinge of guilt, but Hoseok isn’t quite sure what it is) on Minhyuk’s expression and it struck an immediate worried nerve somewhere deep in Hoseok’s gut.

“Hyungwon, forget about the coffee,” Minhyuk called, sitting up from his seat and straightening out his clothing. “Go grab us three beers and come here.”

The response to the call was immediate and Hoseok thinks that maybe, it’s because the sound of Minhyuk’s tone rising had scared the youngest man. But, he’s just thinking on the brighter side of things.

There was a thudding sound from in the kitchen and then there’s the sound of rustling, before Hyungwon appeared in the kitchen doorway with the three requested beers in his hands. His hair was a mess, and Hoseok wanted to question the difficulty of making a couple cups of coffee, but decided against it when the brunet sat down on the sofa with Minhyuk and immediately cracked open the beers and slid a bottle over to Hoseok.

It was three in the afternoon and a little too early to have a beer, but he supposed that there was a reason that Minhyuk, the world’s greatest lightweight, was willing to down a bottle of alcohol in the middle of the day. And it had everything to do with the question that he’d asked. That was the most concerning part. _Had he said something wrong?_

“Do you want to describe what the guy looked like?”

With an arch of his eyebrow, Hoseok pursed his lips, “Describe what he looked like?” he repeated. Minhyuk brought the bottle to his own lips and nodded.

“Tall? Black hair? Looks a bit like a douche?” he suggested, and Hoseok arched his eyebrow a little higher.

“Sounds about right,” he replied. “Who is he, and why do you seem to be so scared that I’ve met the guy?”

Hyungwon offered an uncomfortable smile and rested a hand on Minhyuk’s shoulder, “That’s Kihyun’s new boyfriend.”

He could have assumed that alone, but for some odd reason, the confirmation from his friends made it hurt even more. Kihyun had found a replacement (but, he only called it that to make himself feel better). Of course he would, though. Yoo Kihyun was amazing and anyone would be lucky to have him. It’s not a surprise that he would have found someone else before Hoseok had even thought of getting over him. He swore to himself that it wouldn’t hurt, but it does.

“I don’t like him,” Minhyuk immediately declared. Hoseok furrowed his brows, taking a sip from the bottle in his hands. “I’m not even supposed to tell you, but I feel like you almost deserve to know.”

“Minhyuk...” Hyungwon said, warning tone present again and Hoseok shook his head.

“Hyungwon, stop. I want to hear it. Minhyuk likes everyone and if he doesn’t like this guy, I want to know why.”

With a disapproving click of his tongue, Hyungwon settled back and shifted his eyes to the side, allowing Minhyuk to expand on his thoughts.

“This completely ties into what I was doing with Kihyun, the other day.” Minhyuk explained with a shift of his eyes to the side as he took another sip of his beer, “They got together about a month ago and Hoseok, I thought you were a piece of shit for fighting with Kihyun like that; _this guy?_ He talks shit about Kihyun to his face, to the point that he cries and then tells him that he loves him.

“The worst part? Kihyun believes him and tells everyone that they’re _happy_ together. I call bullshit. He won’t talk to anyone else about it, but I can see it in his eyes when he’s talking to me. He finds excuses to leave the house and hang out with me to get away from this guy and I don’t know why I’m telling you this, when there’s absolutely nothing you can do, if I can’t do anything about it but this guy is just the worst.”

Hoseok studied Minhyuk’s face for a long time before inhaling quietly, “And no one told me this?”

“Why would you need to know?” Hyungwon interjected.

“Why wouldn’t I need to know? I might be his ex-boyfriend, but before anything, we were friends and I’d do anything for that boy.”

“That’s exactly the problem, Hoseok,” Minhyuk told him, “It’s not your place to do anything about it anymore. This isn’t your problem, it’s his and if he refuses to talk about it, then I think I have to tell you that _I can’t let him know that you know._ ”

“But, you told me,” Hoseok replied, “With the full knowledge that this isn’t something I would let go with a blink of an eye. This is Yoo Kihyun we’re talking about. A part of me still loves him, you know?”

Hyungwon knocked back half of the bottle of beer before sighing and settling his eyes on the blond, “I thought you’d say that. But, listen: you haven’t talked to him in over six months. No matter what _a part_ of you feels, I doubt he’d let you swoop in and do anything to his relationship.”

“What would you even do, Hoseok?” Minhyuk asked, raising an eyebrow. “Kihyun hardly even trusts Hyungwon with any of this. He only talks to me and comes over whenever Hyungwon’s out of the house because he knows that Hyungwon is bound to tell you about the bruises.”

That set off alarms in Hoseok’s mind and the blond looked to Minhyuk with widened eyes, “Bruises?”

“I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

There was a glint of Minhyuk’s eyes and it finally dawned on Hoseok——it’s a test. He’s purposefully telling him all of this. It wasn’t a slip of the tongue. He wanted Hoseok to know——wanted Hoseok to do something about all of this, something _anything_ , but he didn’t want to tell Hoseok that directly——wanted him to figure it out for himself; wanted to provoke him into asking more about the state of his ex-boyfriend in all of these passing months——because there was something he _needed_ to know.

Hyungwon sat silently, letting Minhyuk speak as if they’ve _talked_ about having this conversation before, because the younger man wasn’t showing any repulse to having Minhyuk run his mouth on topics that Hoseok practically had _no right_ of knowing.

“You weren’t _supposed_ to say that,” Hoseok repeated, “But, you _have_. And now I want to know the details.”

At that, Minhyuk couldn’t hold back his grin from behind the mouth of his bottle, “I thought you’d say that.”

“So then, stop stalling and tell me.”

“Get Hoseok another beer, Hyungwon,” Minhyuk instructed and that’s when he realizes that the bottle he was holding was empty. “He’s going to need it.”

 

 

 

Leaving Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s apartment with his mind weighed heavy with new information had him wondering a million different things. For the past months, he’d thought about Kihyun often, but with the knowledge of his current state, Hoseok isn’t sure that the younger man ever left his mind completely. It isn’t a good feeling; not in the same way that recalling the better memories with Kihyun was.

This was heavy on his heart and enervating his mind.

But, his weeks pass the same as before, after the conversation with Minhyuk——ever so monotonous with nothing to do and an absent part of his mind thinks that maybe it would have been a good idea to take Kihyun’s advice and get himself a job, if only to kill time. He isn’t sure what Minhyuk expected of him by entrusting him with all the information. He hasn’t seen Kihyun since that one night and the only thing that’s really changed is that he thinks about Yoo Kihyun a little more than he always has.

He isn’t sure if it’s a good thing.

Sometime after he’s practically left alone in Seoul, because Minhyuk and Hyungwon have both left to another city, he finds that he missed them more than he thought he had and avoiding them all these past months wasn’t the best of decisions. When he realizes that, though, it’s a little too late to ask them to come back and keep him company. Similarly, he belatedly realized that his life was nuances more bland without Kihyun around. The only difference in the realizations is that he knows that in two weeks, his best friend and said best friend’s boyfriend were returning to him. Kihyun, on the other hand, likely wouldn’t ever.

And he’d deal with that heartbreak someday, _just not today._

A shrill sound broke through his concentration as he tried to throw together a quick meal with everything he had in his practically empty fridge. His cell phone.

Surprised to see a call from Minhyuk, the blond put the device to his ear and arched an eyebrow (though Minhyuk couldn’t see him), “Hello?”

 _“Hoseok,”_ Minhyuk sounded breathless and that same string of worry zapped through his mind again.

“Is everything alright?” he asked, concerned.

_“Not exactly. I know this is really sudden and I told you not to worry about anything and that I wouldn’t bother you while we were away, but listen, this is about Kihyun.”_

If Minhyuk hadn’t gotten his full attention from randomly calling when he was supposed to be on vacation without stress, then he certainly had it now. Because apparently, anything revolving around his ex-boyfriend captured his attention like nothing else.

“What happened?”

 _“Kihyun called me not even five minutes ago,”_ Minhyuk started, _“He wanted to come to my place and hang out for a bit, because staying at home is getting a little... too much for him. But, as we both know, I’m not even in Seoul right now. I know it’s a stretch to ask you, but listen, I need you to go and find him and maybe let him stay with you for a bit? At least until he calms down enough to be at home.”_

“Yeah,” Hoseok exhaled, “Yeah, of course. Anything for him. I mean, do you know where he is right now?”

 _“Thanks, Hoseok. I’ll owe you one; I should be there when he needs me, not passing it off to someone else,”_ Minhyuk sighed and Hoseok made to object, but Minhyuk is faster, _“And before you say that you’re supposed to do these kinds of things; remember that you guys didn’t end on the best of notes. I don’t want to bring back bad memories, Hoseok, but I think you lose sight of reality when you think about Kihyun, sometimes. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I like you enough to trust you with my best friend, though.”_

“... Yeah,” came the weaker response and Hoseok pressed for an answer, “Where is he?”

 _“I’ll call him and tell him to meet you by the train station near Hyungwon’s apartment. And if you need me, call Hyungwon.”_ Minhyuk told him.

“Okay, I’ll head there as soon as possible,” he promised and an absent part of his mind wonders why he might be so obsessed with the idea of keeping Yoo Kihyun safe. He’s already shrugging his jacket on, forgetting about preparing his meal and halfway out the door with his phone pressed against his ear when Minhyuk called his name again.

 _“Hoseok?”_ he started and the blond paused in his footsteps for a moment.

“Yes?”

_“Do yourself a favour and get him to trust you again, will you? I get the feeling he’s going to need you a lot more than he needs me, sometime in the near future. There’s just some things that a best friend can’t do.”_

A quiet laugh left Hoseok’s lips and he exhaled softly, “Am I supposed to take that to heart?”

Sometimes, Minhyuk spoke in riddles and Hoseok isn't ever quite sure what the other man was really trying to say.

_“Might be a good idea.”_

 

 

 

He found Kihyun standing alone by the train station as Minhyuk had promised and the younger man looks shaken and cold. Shrugging his jacket off of his own shoulders, Hoseok approached him and draped the jacket over his shoulders without a word. Kihyun turned to him, surprised eyes flickering with a brief light of confusion before they settle into the calm storm that Hoseok’s always lost himself in.

“Take it, you need it a lot more than I do,” Hoseok said. The autumn air was chilly and Hoseok felt cold, but he’d much rather Kihyun not freeze to death, “Minhyuk sent me.”

“I know,” Kihyun replied, quietly pulling the material of Hoseok’s jacket closer to himself and there’s this softness that bubbles into Hoseok’s chest. He can’t help but feel this urge to pull Kihyun closer to himself.

It’s only further proof that their nasty breakup did nothing to dull the feelings Hoseok held for the man standing before him. _It’s a pity._

“Do you want to go——” Hoseok paused when Kihyun opened his mouth and turned to look at him with innocent eyes.

“Minhyuk said you were taking me to your place,” Kihyun told him and the blond closed his mouth and nodded.

“Yeah, I was going to ask,” he murmured, but he motions for Kihyun to follow him when the younger man’s eyes flicker with a light that almost demanded that they move from where they were standing, immediately.

And Hoseok hates whatever has him so shaken.

_Because whatever it was didn’t deserve to touch Yoo Kihyun._

 

 

 

The walk back to Hoseok’s apartment was awkward enough, but it gets worse when they’re in the apartment again. It felt weird to be so distant with Kihyun, but it had been six months since they had a genuine interaction and their last interaction apart from the casual conversation in the convenience store was a loud argument which engraved itself in the back of both of their minds.

“Do you want something to eat?” Hoseok asked, quietly as he shuffled to continue chopping up the carrots he’d been preparing for his salad.

“I’m good, thanks,” Kihyun replied and Hoseok stopped what he was doing for a brief moment, looking up from his cutting board to settle his eyes on Kihyun. The brunet seemed distant and he kept staring at his phone, as if waiting for something.

But, if Minhyuk asked him to keep him company for until Kihyun was _fine_ again, then there was definitely something wrong. Having dated Yoo Kihyun for three years, Hoseok knew the look in his eyes was from _fearing_ something and it sparked the concern in his gut, again. It's unsettling to say the least. His mind ran through a million possibilities, but the sole thing that stood out significantly was the potential of the younger man’s boyfriend having done something to frighten him like this.

Popping a cherry tomato from the bowl into his mouth, Hoseok made his way over to Kihyun and the younger man didn’t budge: almost as if he hadn’t even noticed that Hoseok had moved in his direction at all.

“Kihyun,” he called and the other practically jumped at the sound of his name. “Hey, calm down. It’s just me.”

“Hoseok,” Kihyun breathed before he shifted his eyes, “I’m sorry for just intruding like this, you probably have better things to do than babysit me. I mean, we’re both grown men. This is ridiculous, you shouldn’t have to do something like this for me. You practically haven’t seen me for months and now I’m sitting in your apartment and breathing your air. That’s just _strange_.”

“Kihyun, hush,” Hoseok urged, “You’re rambling. That hardly even makes sense; we're always breathing the same air.” A pause. “You know, before anything, we’re still friends and if you need to stay away from home for a bit, then you can always come to me. We might have ended on a... _shitty_ note, but you know I’m always here for you, right?”

The younger man kept his eyes downcast and nodded quietly, but it’s obvious that he wasn’t aware that Hoseok ever really wanted anything to do with him ever again. Not after their fight. Not after Hoseok had, in a blind rage, shouted that he regretted their relationship because all they ever did these days was fight.

“Want to put on a movie?” he suggested, “I still have that stupid movie that you like so much. The one that makes you cry all the time.”

There was the traces of a small smile on Kihyun’s lips at the remark, but it seemed as if he was trying to conceal it. Hoseok wanted to pull his hand away from his mouth and tell him that his smile was beautiful, but he reminds himself that he’s not allowed to do that anymore.

“Titanic?”

“No, the one that doesn’t make _me_ cry,” Hoseok deadpanned.

That actually makes Kihyun laugh and the unsettling feeling in his stomach vanished as he settled into the seat next to the younger man.

They snack on the incomplete parts of Hoseok’s salad and Kihyun briefly complains about the lack of sweets in Hoseok’s apartment and the blond rolled his eyes, before scolding Kihyun about the unhealthiness of extreme amounts of sugar. At that, Kihyun rolled his eyes and covered his ears, ignoring Hoseok’s words and the movie. But, it makes Hoseok smile, because contrasting to Kihyun’s state since he walked into the apartment, he finally looked comfortable.

And that warmed the blond’s heart.

But, his expression darkened again when his phone vibrated several times and he moved away from Hoseok to pick up a call. He returned to the room, minutes later with a significantly sadder look on his face and Hoseok’s worried again. It’s amazing how just the slightest change set off alarms in Hoseok’s head when it came to Kihyun.

“I have to go,” Kihyun told him. The blond got up from his seat and nodded.

“Are you going to walk back to your place?”

“... yeah, I am.”

“You don’t have a jacket,” Hoseok said, holding out the jacket that he’d put on Kihyun when they’d initially run into one another, “Take mine with you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Keep it,” Kihyun shook his head and pushed the jacket into Hoseok’s arms.

“Kihyun, please. You need it. It’s cold outside and I really don’t want you getting sick. I’m staying indoors, there’s nothing to get me sick, but you’re going to freeze out there.” A reassuring smile found its way onto his lips, “You can give it back next time you see me. Or Minhyuk. Either.”

Kihyun thanked him quietly and draped the jacket over his shoulders.

It’s a little too heartbreaking to watch Kihyun’s retreating back again, so Hoseok shut the door as soon as Kihyun is far enough to assure him that he isn’t going to be turning back.

Immediately, he reached for his cell phone (and a cigarette) and leaned against the front door, dialing Hyungwon’s number and praying that he could reach Minhyuk. There’s more than just a few things that they needed to talk about.

 

 

 

Minhyuk tells him nothing more of Kihyun's state, when he called him and demanded more information, because above everything he was concerned about why Kihyun seemed so afraid to be at home. Six months ago, there wasn't a day that Hoseok could recall Kihyun being like this and it only goes to show the differences of being without one another. That's what a narcissistic mind would think, at least. Hoseok thinks with an entirely too troubled mind.

All Minhyuk says is _‘if there’s anything else you want to know, you should ask him’._ And that’s the end of their conversation.

That single sentence dragged troubles to his mind for the next weeks, until he found himself standing across the room from the familiar man he’d seen Kihyun with, weeks ago. It’s sheer coincidence that they run into one another——Hoseok was waiting on Changkyun (because he owed the younger man a promise of dinner) who had texted him and informed him that he would be late. But, Hoseok’s curious eyes can’t help but watch the man; they’re loud and disruptive in the middle of the restaurant.

Initially, he’d thought it was a trick of the eye and it was just someone who locked similar, but when the waitress seated him at a nearby table and handed him a menu, Hoseok’s eyes proved to not have failed him in recognition. Undoubtedly, the black haired man laughing with a group of friends was the man he’d seen with Kihyun, but he’s sitting too close to a woman beside him and too touchy.

Hoseok has never really been the type to pry, but if it involved Kihyun, he couldn’t help but find himself a little too curious.

Perhaps, for the worse but he hated to think of it in such ways.

From where he sat, Hoseok found himself unoccupied; menu untouched because he was waiting for Changkyun and no one to converse with, he could hear everything the other table was talking about. And it didn’t take a genius to deduce the elements of their conversation: they were talking about Kihyun. In his peripheral, he could see the tall black haired man drape his arm over the brunette beside him and laugh, telling her _‘you’re so much prettier than he is; he’s so useless. Doesn’t do a thing.’_ His friends laugh.

Bitterly, Hoseok’s mind fired absent retorts, _maybe because he’s too scared of you._

They continued; spoke of Kihyun and made fun of him——the woman in Kihyun’s supposed boyfriend’s arms laughing hysterically loud at the jabs he made at the man he claimed he loved. Hoseok couldn’t help the bubbling of anger in his veins, as the conversation continued and he couldn’t wrap his head around the entire idea of someone claiming to _love_ someone else and talking shit about them behind their back. That wasn’t love.

There were a million ways to love someone and everyone loved differently, but _that wasn’t love_.

Hoseok came from a rich, well-mannered family and he took pride in his heritage——couldn’t dare to disappoint his parents and make crazy headlines; maybe bring down everything they’ve worked for——but he wouldn’t regret standing up and throwing his fist at the other man’s face——let him know that he’d been listening; tell him that he’s not _worthy_ of having someone like Kihyun. He almost does it; hands gripping the table as he braced his own weight, trying to refrain from doing something _reckless_ , because there were always consequences.

Consequences that might not only be detrimental to himself.

He’s just about to get up from his seat and cause a scene, but there’s a shadow in front of him and the presence of someone else that snapped him out of his eavesdropping and blind rage.

“Hey, sorry, I’m late,” Changkyun sat down across from the blond with a smile and Hoseok turned to him, gritted teeth. “I got caught up with one of the kids I tutor and he kept asking so many questions, I didn’t even know how to answer the——”

“Kyun,” he breathed, eyes suddenly softening as he tried to tune out the other table, “You have great timing.”

The younger man looked at him, puzzled but doesn’t say anything else.

 

 

 

There was a poorly covered bruise on Kihyun’s cheek the next time Hoseok saw him; his eyes glazed over with unshed tears, but puffy and ringed red as if he’d just cried his eyes out, barely hours ago. The next time Hoseok saw Kihyun, the younger man was standing in front of his apartment door with his hands clasped together, _pleading_.

“Can I stay with you for a bit? I can’t be at home, right now; I don’t know where else to go.”

“What happened to you?” Hoseok managed, leaning against the door and his heart twisted in worry. Kihyun’s eyes are desperate as they searched his expression; Hoseok’s sure he doesn’t need to say anything for Kihyun to know that he’s worried sick. That’s something their breakup didn’t change——his protective instincts for the younger man.

“Hoseok, _please_ , can I come in?” he kept looking behind him——quick glances that he doesn’t think Hoseok would notice, but Hoseok sees everything.

Because all he sees is Kihyun.

Stepping aside, the blond held his breath and grasped gently onto Kihyun’s wrist, “Yeah, come here.”

The door fell shut behind them and Hoseok locked it, chewing on his lower lip as he ushered the petrified brunet into his living room. It broke Hoseok to pieces to see someone as snarky and lively as Kihyun in such a state——he wonders what happened to the bright-eyed boy he’d fallen in love with, three years ago.

Looking at Kihyun, though, he knows _that boy_ is still somewhere in there; he sees it in his eyes (simply because his heart still skipped a beat every time he looked at Kihyun in the eyes).

Tender eyes searched Kihyun’s expression as the boy sat down on the sofa and Hoseok squatted down in front of him, looking up at him, “You’re safe with me.”

There’s a glow of relief in Kihyun’s eyes; it only multiplies Hoseok’s sense of concern.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked, softly. Kihyun’s hands were folded in his lap and the blond arched an eyebrow, urging, but not forcing anything out of him. Minhyuk’s words echoed in his mind—— _get him to trust you, again._

Kihyun shook his head and Hoseok’s heart sank but he nodded, patting the brunet’s hands and standing back up. “How about some tea?” he offered and Kihyun chewed on his lower lip.

“Yes, please.”

That makes him smile a little. _The sound of Kihyun’s voice._

They’d take little steps——he’s sure Kihyun would open up to him, soon enough. Somehow, he just needed to find out what was going on in Yoo Kihyun’s mind. Somehow, he needed to know why Kihyun insisted on staying with someone who treated him like crap. And he has to do it in a way that didn’t rupture any old wounds of Kihyun’s.

But, if he tore his own heart apart doing it, then so be it.

 

 

 

Somewhere between boiling two cups of tea for the both of them and finding himself seated on Hoseok’s sofa together, he does get Kihyun to talk. They take baby steps towards a full-fledged conversation, but it’s understandable because Kihyun looked terribly shaken by whatever happened at home and he’s not expected to be comfortable with his ex-boyfriend.

The tea is cold and forgotten on the coffee table as they talk, though.

Kihyun wrapped himself up in one of the spare blankets which Hoseok left on the sofa and made himself at home, simply because the blond had insisted on it. From across the room, Hoseok’s heart ached from their distance. The brunet looked so small and fragile and all he wanted to do was hold him in his arms; assure him that everything was going to be okay——but, he can’t exactly promise that to Kihyun.

He didn’t want to be a liar.

“What happened to your cheek?” Hoseok asked, eyes trained on the younger’s visage. Kihyun raised a blanket covered hand and gingerly touched the injury, eyes averting from Hoseok’s. The blond suppressed the urge to reach out and trace the bruised lines of the injury——excuses to just touch Kihyun.

Half-buried in the blankets, Kihyun mumbled quietly, “I got into a fight.”

“Yoo Kihyun got into a physical fight?” he raised an eyebrow. It’s obvious in his tone that he doesn’t believe it in the slightest, but he left room for Kihyun to escape the topic if he wanted to. The brunet chewed on his lower lip and Hoseok noted that he did that often. That’s new.

“You know I wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Kihyun murmured and Hoseok’s eyes soften.

“I know, Ki...” he exhaled, tone gentle and reassuring——comforting, if anything else, “Do you want to tell me what really happened?”

Kihyun stayed quiet for a moment. Hoseok’s suddenly filled with the thought that perhaps, he’d gone too far with what he’d been searching for. Perhaps, he’d said too much and he’d chased Kihyun away for real, now. But, the younger stayed seated where he was, eyes averted from Hoseok for just a moment longer, before they met.

“... He hit me. Don’t worry... it’s just one of many,” he admitted quietly and Hoseok let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. It’s rough and low; he’d suspected it, but the confirmation from Kihyun only made his blood boil. The blond’s eyes darkened and his mind threw him back to the previous week, when he’d run into the _good for nothing_ supposed boyfriend of Kihyun’s at the restaurant. It only further proved his initial impression of the man.

_Worthless._

Noticing the change in Hoseok’s demeanour, Kihyun looked up at him and quickly amended, “But, he loves me.”

Unable to resist retorting, Hoseok’s eyes flashed as they met with Kihyun’s; “Did I love you like that? Is that love?”

“No, but that’s why——” there was obvious hesitance in Kihyun’s voice. It’s timid, but Hoseok still snaps at him.

“Don’t be stupid!” he exclaimed, “That’s not love, Kihyun!”

There was a flicker of light in Kihyun’s eyes that told Hoseok everything he needed to know. Kihyun _knew_. But, there was something holding him back in that relationship——Hoseok doesn’t know what it is, but it isn’t like Kihyun’s going to just tell him. He didn’t deserve to know.

Kihyun’s always had a sharp tongue——retorts came easily, “Who are you to tell me what love is, Hoseok?” the brunet demanded, eyes blazing with an angry glow, something potentially breaking on the verge of tears. And all Hoseok wants to do is to pull him close and hold him in his arms——promise him better days. Always.

But, he’s not allowed to touch. Not allowed to hold Kihyun like he used to.

Yet, nothing bound his tongue.

“Who am I?” he repeated, laughing incredulously. It’s a bitter sound that sounds too cruel falling from his mouth His mind screams at him not to do it, but his heart spilled its entirety in front of Kihyun, beyond his control. “Someone who spends nights and days thinking about how dumb I was to have let you go!” He paused but the raw emotion in his eyes never faded, “Just... just let me protect you. I’ll keep you safe.”

There was a silence and Kihyun tore stunned eyes away from him, pulling the blankets closer to himself, “You have no obligation to do that.” His voice is cold. Sharp and frigid—— _guarded_ ——Hoseok misses Kihyun’s warm, sweet voice; the voice which lulled him to sleep and told him that he loved him.

He misses when they had nothing to hide from one another. He misses when Kihyun was his.

With a sharp inhale, Hoseok balled his hands into fists and closed his eyes——gathering his thoughts for an absent moment, before he opened them again. Dark irises watched Kihyun’s visage with sincerity (and he desperately searched for that soft spot he knew Kihyun had for him——prayed it still existed, somewhere in the younger man’s heart) and his voice was soft and warm. _Comforting_ , like finally coming home after a long stressful day.

“You’re right. I don’t. But, I want to. _I want you to smile._ ”

And when Hoseok sees Kihyun’s eyes softening, his resolve breaking, he knows he’s won.

Opening his arms, Hoseok sighed softly, “Come here, Kihyun. Come home to me.”

And a silence.

Kihyun stared at him quietly before setting his eyes downcast, but his body moves on its own as if it just gravitated towards Hoseok. There was a comfort that came with being near Hoseok; something he didn’t feel around anyone else. With Hoseok, everything felt so natural and perhaps, that’s why he stood up and took the three steps across the room towards the blond, falls into his arms and buries his face into Hoseok’s shoulder——breath heavy and tears staining pale cheeks.

Gentle arms wrapped themselves around Kihyun’s waist and he pulled him closer to himself, free hand sliding into the brunet’s hair and holding him against himself, “It’s okay to cry it all out.”

The room is muted, save soft sniffles from the brunet and Hoseok could feel his heart wrenching out a dull pain from the sound. For years, he’d known Kihyun as _so_ strong——never one to shed a tear in front of others. _This_ ——this reminded him of their first fight. It reminded him of the way Kihyun curled into his arms afterwards and whispered his apologies.

And they’d kissed one another’s anger away.

It’s Kihyun who touches Hoseok’s cheeks with gentle hands when he pulled himself away from the blond’s neck, straddling the blond’s lap and watching his expression with careful eyes. Somewhere behind the daze of tear filled eyes, Kihyun regarded him with a questioning silence. Hoseok found himself captivated by Kihyun’s eyes as if no time had passed at all——as if they were seeing one another for the first time, all over again.

He wished.

But, gentle fingers which caressed his cheeks slid lower and traced his jawline. Kihyun’s eyes are soft and he’s so close——Hoseok could pull him gently and there wouldn’t be an inch of space between them. His rational pushed him away from the idea, but in the next second, he could feel Kihyun’s hot breath of his lips and his heart stopped.

He hardly has the time to react——hardly has the time to register what was happening and suddenly, Kihyun’s lips are pressed against his. They’re soft, plush and make him feel like a thousand butterflies escaped into his stomach; it’s everything he remembers.

Caution to the wind, the blond pushed his screaming conscious away, melting into the kiss——melting into _Kihyun_. Simply because if he couldn’t have them back, he’d take this one moment; however long it might last.

Kihyun’s hands were pressed to his chest, when they moved away from his visage and they’re pressed against one another; so close that he’s sure Kihyun could feel his pounding heartbeat. He’s foolish to let himself go, but if indulging in everything he desired was being foolish then he’d take the title in stride and keep it with him, prideful.

Tilting his head to the side and parting his lips slightly, Hoseok could feel Kihyun moving with each one of his movements; molding their pliant lips together——needy for one another and desperate for the affection. Hoseok’s arms tightened around Kihyun’s waist and the brunet curled his fingers into the thin material of Hoseok’s shirt, pressing closer.

Every touch burned Hoseok like a trail of fire, but it was a sensation he never wanted to end. It’s his only escape from the reality of Kihyun no longer being his. And after all of this, it would be so much harder to cope with that fact, but he’d delude himself for the fleeting moments. And if Hoseok weren’t terrified of the consequences for Kihyun, he’d pin him down and remind him how much he loved him, there.

It’s Kihyun who kissed him, but it’s also Kihyun who snaps out of it, first.

His eyes are wide and his palms are still against Hoseok’s chest when they make eye contact. Hoseok’s heaving soft breaths from; Kihyun’s never failed in stealing his breath away.

And his voice is soft, though it breaks Hoseok's heart all the same.

“This is wrong.” Kihyun pulled away from him, lips rubbed raw and red; breathless. “Hoseok, I have a boyfriend.”

A weak smile graced Hoseok's lips and he loosened his grip on the younger man's body, “Sorry, I lost myself there.”

“I shouldn't have done that,” Kihyun bit his lower lip and Hoseok is tempted to capture those lips again. He suppressed the urge.

“... We can forget about it, then. It didn’t happen,” he replied, ignoring the strike of pain in his heart, “I do mean what I said though. That I'd protect you.”

Kihyun nodded absently and there was a flickering sadness in his eyes. He doesn’t look Hoseok in the eyes for the rest of the night, until he falls asleep on the sofa, a couple meters from the blond. And before he vanished into his bedroom, Hoseok pressed a kiss to Kihyun's forehead, praying that he wasn't overstepping boundaries with the action.

With a heavy heart, he exhaled, “It's wrong, but do you regret it? That's all I want to know, but as if I'd have the guts to ask you.” A lingering gaze on the brunet's visage and then Hoseok turned on his heel; “Sweet dreams, Kihyun.”

 

 

 

Kihyun isn't in his apartment when he wakes up.

And as heartbreaking as it is, Hoseok knew that it was all to be expected. Kihyun isn’t supposed to stay after something like that——his conscious would torment him to remember it all. Coming home to a _boyfriend_ when he’d just pressed passionate kisses to his ex-boyfriend’s lips, tears streaking down his face and feeling _comfort_ in that.

They're not supposed to be like this. They probably shouldn't even be talking to one another if every single breath which left Kihyun's lips reminded him of their three years together. But, he wondered where they would be if not for Lee Minhyuk.

And again, they're not supposed to be like this.

Hoseok was meant to find closure somewhere in rekindling a friendship with Yoo Kihyun, not fall deeper into him and open all the old wounds which scripted stories of how madly in love with said man. But, in fruitless attempts of getting over Kihyun, the blond only found himself amazed with how _protective_ he was over something that wasn't his.

Heavy hearts and all, Hoseok would do anything for Kihyun and if that wasn't foolish, then he's certain of nothing.

But, Kihyun left Hoseok alone in his apartment——as if it didn’t hurt Hoseok just as much to remember them all.

And that just hurt a thousand times more.

 

 

 

When Hyungwon and Minhyuk are back in Seoul, Hoseok found himself in their apartment, sulking. Over a bottle of beer and a cigarette outside with Hyungwon, the twenty-five year old found himself _actually_ sulking about the entire ordeal with Kihyun.

“You know, you're one of the dumbest guys I've ever met,” Hyungwon declared. Hoseok glared at him, exhaling a mouthful of smoke in Hyungwon’s direction, purposefully. The younger man took it in stride, keeping a straight face and waving the cloud away.

“You're the worst best friend ever,” Hoseok retorted, “I like Minhyuk better.”

Hyungwon clicked his tongue, “Minhyuk doesn't really like you, though. Not nearly as much as he likes me.”

“You're his boyfriend, dumbass.”

“Fine. Not nearly as much as he likes Kihyun,” the taller amended and Hoseok scoffed.

“He's obviously going to like his best friend more.”

“You're contradicting yourself. If you claim you like Minhyuk more than you like me, then by cross-referencing our parallels, Minhyuk should like you more than he likes Kihyun,” Hyungwon countered, “Because if we flip it, you're Minhyuk and _I'm_ Ki——”

“Chae Hyungwon, I will _pay_ you to shut up.”

“Are you both done your bickering and smoking?” Minhyuk's voice interrupted them and they both turned to look at him. “It's cold outside and the door is wide open. I'm freezing in here.”

Eyes flickering to Minhyuk, Hoseok extinguished his cigarette and crushed it beneath his foot before nodding. Empty bottles remaining on the porch, Hoseok followed his best friend back into the house.

_He'd sulk about it all, later._

What he finds out from Minhyuk later that night is that Kihyun doesn't stop talking about him and that Minhyuk knows about their kiss. _So much for forgetting all of it._

“Listen, Hoseok,” Minhyuk sighed, “I know I'm not the most fond of you, despite how much Hyungwon talks about you, because both of you were devastated after the breakup, but I'm Kihyun's best friend so I have to side with him. But, listen; I think you really need to talk to him.”

“He didn't look me in the eye the whole night and then he walked out on me,” Hoseok iterated for what felt like the hundredth time that night.

“Hoseok, I'm on your side,” Minhyuk remarked. “I might not like you best, but you're the only one he'll listen to at this point. And I don't know why, but you know it too. You have an effect on him.”

Silently, Hoseok kept his eyes downcast, head throbbing from all the alcohol as his best friend's boyfriend spoke. He's not really listening anymore, but Minhyuk was saying something about Kihyun needing to get himself away from his current boyfriend.

An absent part of Hoseok's heart agreed entirely.

“——so, you'll do it?” came Minhyuk's voice.

“Do what?”

The brunet smiled, “ _Perfect_.”

 

 

 

What Minhyuk meant when he asked Hoseok if he’d _do the thing_ , happened to be the absolutely torment known as being locked in a room with Yoo Kihyun and instructed to talk about their problems. Minhyuk’s exact words were: _‘I need you two to talk your problems out together. Like civilized beings.’_

So, they found themselves locked in the guest room (which used to be Minhyuk’s room, before Hyungwon and himself had decided that they were at a point in their relationship where sharing a bed was fine), a good meter and a half from one another.

Hoseok is standing and Kihyun is sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed and avoiding his eyes.

But, Kihyun is the one to break their silence.

“I’m tired,” Kihyun sighed, eyes meeting with Hoseok’s, biting his lower lip before amending his statement with a hesitant tone.

“Tired?” Hoseok repeated with curious eyes searching the brunet’s expression. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, but he’s always been used to knowing that Kihyun always had some sort of answer for him.

It’s a moment of hesitance before the brunet spoke again——tone unsure and eyes wandering.

“I’m tired of coming home to unpredictable arms,” Kihyun admitted, softly. “And I'm tired of running away.”

His voice wavered as he continued, “Some days, I come home and I don’t feel any more loved and other days, not even physical damage can hurt more than the way my heart does. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this, because what are you going to do about it? I guess I feel obligated to tell you because you promised to protect me, but that's just my hopeless thinking again. There isn't anything I can do; nothing you can do and nothing we can do. But... I just felt like I needed to tell you.”

Clenching his teeth, Hoseok felt his mind reel back to the night in the restaurant when he’d seen Kihyun’s boyfriend with his arms around an unfamiliar woman. Kihyun’s boyfriend and his friends saying nasty things about him. It wasn’t fair to the brunet. That’s not love——Kihyun’s not feeling love, because if the bastard who had the nerve to call himself Kihyun’s _boyfriend_ couldn’t respect him enough as a person, then there wasn’t an ounce of love in that relationship.

Stepping closer to Kihyun with soft eyes, the blond reached out a hand, unsure if he was allowed to touch. Before he's able to voice anything, though, Kihyun turned wide eyes up to him.

“I'm tired, but I'm not tired of you. I don't know what that's supposed to mean... but that's the best I can describe it,” Kihyun added. He's standing just a couple inches away from Kihyun now; if he reached out a hand then he would be able to touch him.

“Leave him.” Hoseok managed, not being able to catch himself before the words leave his lips. He doesn’t regret them, but the surprise in Kihyun’s eyes make his mind pull itself back to reality.

“He’s all I have, Hoseok,” Kihyun answered, eyes clouding over with the threat of tears. And Hoseok can't believe that he's making him cry all over again. The last time someone else's tears hurt this much was their breakup; tears streaming down Kihyun's cheeks.

Protective arms wrap themselves around Kihyun's waist and he pulled him into a tight hug; forget rules of touching one another. Hoseok didn't care, so long as Kihyun was smiling. He _needed_ Kihyun to smile.

The sweet genuine stretch of his lips, bright and cheerful; the expression that had Hoseok falling in love _over and over._

A mess of blond hair tickled Kihyun's neck as Hoseok buried his head into the crook of the smaller man's neck and he inhaled. Kihyun stayed frozen in his arms.

“No, you have me. You’ll always have me. If there’s anything I learned from dating you for three entire years, Yoo Kihyun,” Hoseok breathed, against his skin and Kihyun shivered at the tone of his voice, “It’s that there’s no one I will love more than I loved you.

“If you ever think that you're alone, then you're not. God, Kihyun, you know that I love you. You know I'll always be here for you. That much won't ever change. A part of my heart will always be waiting for you to come home. I know that's never going to change. Even if you don't want to look at me like that,” Hoseok paused, “Even if you don't want to be with me, I'll always have a home for you to come back to. If you need me, _if you ever need me_ , give me a call. I'll do anything for you. I always have and I always will.

“We were _shitty_ when we were together; threw away three years of loving one another for the sake of miscommunication leading to _nasty_ fallouts. But, Kihyun, I never really got over you. And I still love you. Maybe, I'm an idiot for it, and I'll take it if you're telling me I'm being stupid and hopeless. If you've gotten over our romance, then I'll say I'm sorry I'm bringing all of this back and I'm sorry for holding you and kissing you that night, even though I'm _not_ ; but, I need you to know I want you to smile, though. I want you to be happy, and _you're not happy with him_.”

Kihyun stayed quiet.

With sad eyes, he regarded Hoseok silently and then he was pulling himself out of the blond’s arms and getting on his feet, taking steps towards the door. It's a tormenting replay for Hoseok to watch the younger man's retreating back and he _pretends_ that it doesn't hurt at all.

After he's poured his heart out, Kihyun was leaving him quietly. It's all too familiar and Hoseok bit the inside of his cheek, grounding his mind.

Kihyun's fists rapped against the door and each knock had Hoseok's mind echoing with a distinctive pain, “Minhyuk, let me out. We’re done talking.”

 

 

 

Long after Kihyun has left the room, Hoseok found himself standing alone in the empty room. After seeing Kihyun out of the house, Minhyuk returned to his side, sitting down on the bed and glaring at him.

The brunet had no right to look at him with such eyes.

“What the hell did you do?” Minhyuk's tone is so accusing.

“I told him that I love him.” Hoseok answered, and it obviously takes the other man by surprise. The tone of Minhyuk's voice suddenly softened and he furrowed confused eyebrows at Hoseok. It makes the blond wonder if Minhyuk ever genuinely disliked him as much as he claimed.

“... You can’t do that to a very conflicted and much taken man.”

An amused scoff left Hoseok's lips beyond his control and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, finally realizing that he had nothing to do with them, now that they weren't wrapped around Kihyun's petite frame.

“You can, when they’re clearly unhappy. I know him. I’ve loved him since I was a foolish teenager. He’s not happy, but I can make him happy if he just lets me.”

“You sound confident,” Minhyuk side-eyed him warily.

“I am. Because if he gives me this chance, I’m not going to be dumb enough to let him go again.”

Minhyuk inhaled sharply and then exhaled, dramatically. There are the lingering traces of a small, satisfied smile on the younger man's lips, though. _“Go get ‘im, tiger.”_

 

 

 

It turns out that Hoseok hardly needs to move a hand to get Kihyun to contact him again.

Three days after the entire confession, Hoseok awoke to the shrill sound of his phone ringing. With an exhausted wave of his hand, he picked the device up from its charging spot on his nightstand and held it to his ear.

“Hello?” he murmured, drowsily. He barely gets the syllables out of his mouth and there’s a sense of urgency in the silence on the other end of the line. He still doesn’t know who’s calling him at such an early hour.

_“Hoseok, open the door.”_

Just hearing the voice on the other line has his senses alert and he’s on his feet in a matter of seconds. It’s amazing how quickly he responded to everything dealing with Yoo Kihyun. He’s always been a fool for the younger man, but it still blows his mind with how much he would do for him. How much he would _always_ be willing to do for him.

So, eight-thirty in the morning had the clock clicking on the wall as the seconds passed by and Hoseok’s quick hands rushing to unlock his front door——holding his breath and not knowing what to expect. And as soon as the door opened, Hoseok found himself with an armful of a crying Kihyun and this feels _so_ familiar.

He stood frozen as Kihyun’s arms wrapped tightly around him and the tears soaked his shirt. His senses came back to him slowly, along with Kihyun’s familiar scent and warmth.

“Kihyun,” he breathed, when he finally grasped himself and reality——eyes wide and alert; entirely aware of every single one of Kihyun’s movements. The brunet gripped tightly into his shirt. “Kihyun, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? What did he do?”

Sniffling, the brunet shook his head, voice choked up by his own tears as he tried to speak. None of the words are coherent and Hoseok tugged the younger man into his apartment, letting the door fall shut on its own with a sound _thud!_

“Okay, slowly... one thing at a time; breathe, baby...”

The words fall from his lips easily and he hardly even recognizes the affectionate name sliding off his tongue. All that mattered was that Kihyun was okay. Kihyun clung onto his body tightly and it’s concerning——Kihyun isn’t this touchy on his own accord. Not usually. Gently pulling away from him, Hoseok cupped Kihyun’s face between his hands and wiped hot tears with his thumbs.

“Shh,” he whispered, “It hurts me to see you cry. Tell me what’s wrong?”

Again, Kihyun shook his head and choked back his tears, “I,” a gasp of air, _“I broke up with him.”_

The younger man’s tone trembled and Hoseok’s eyes widened, “You did what?”

“I broke up with him,” Kihyun repeated, eyes red——it breaks Hoseok’s heart in half. “You said you’d protect me; you said you’d always be here for me. I don’t know who else to go to, but please, _hold me, Hoseok_ ; I just want to be held like I’m _loved_. I don’t want to be with someone who hurts me——he said he never loved me. He said he lied, because I was _fun to play with_. I can’t believe——I can’t believe that I _believed_ him when he said he _loved me_ , Hoseok.”

Every single word that left Kihyun’s lips drew larger cracks into the blond’s heart and he tugged the younger back into his arms.

“No one’s going to hurt you now,” Hoseok whispered into his hair, winding his arms around Kihyun’s smaller body, protectively. “I won’t let them. You’re going to be safe with me.”

And Kihyun believes him.

 

 

 

They take it slow.

They don’t have a name to what they are, but Kihyun comes home to protective arms that wrap around him whenever he needs the assurance that he’s loved. Together, they walk him away from bad memories; Hoseok carefully holding his hand every step of the way and willing to catch him at every step where he might stumble. All with love, he keeps the promises he makes, because he’s already made the mistake of letting them go, once.

A majority of the time, Kihyun is at Minhyuk’s place——he’d moved in with his previous boyfriend and, upon their breakup, Minhyuk had been more than happy to provide a home for him. But, there are days when Kihyun sleeps over at Hoseok’s apartment when they fall asleep in one another’s arms, watching a stupid movie.

Sometimes, Kihyun pretends that he doesn’t have a way to get home, and he offers Hoseok a beer from his own fridge and then tells Hoseok that there isn’t a chance that he’s letting him drive. Hoseok sees right through him, but he doesn’t say anything. He just smiles and lets Kihyun slowly get used to _them,_ again.

When Hoseok visits Hyungwon and Minhyuk, Minhyuk complains about how Hoseok only pays attention to Kihyun, but the brunet flashes a cheeky smile and Hoseok’s glad that Minhyuk doesn’t act like he hates him, anymore. He supposes it’s because Kihyun is smiling again.

Kihyun is fragile and everything precious, but Hoseok is loyal and patient——and nothing changes the fact that he would still do anything for Yoo Kihyun.

And this is how they are for the next few months, until Hoseok steels his nerves and holds Kihyun’s hands between his, taking a deep breath.

“Do you want to move in with me, again?” he asked, softly.

Kihyun’s smile is worth everything.

 

 

 

Kihyun comes back from work one day with the brightest smile on his lips——his eyes are twinkling and Hoseok’s in the kitchen, fixing himself a quick snack. It catches him by surprise when the younger man wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his head against his back with a satisfied smile.

“Welcome back,” Hoseok hummed and Kihyun laughs quietly into the back of Hoseok’s shirt. “What’s so funny?”

“I don’t know,” Kihyun replied, eyes still bright. “I had a good day. Turn around, let me kiss you.”

Surprise crossed the blond’s eyes as he turned his head and he arched an amused eyebrow, “What’s with the sudden affection?”

Kihyun doesn’t answer him and tugs him down, letting their lips meet in a sweet kiss. His eyes are still gleaming with mischief. There’s a slight hesitance that Hoseok detects in the younger’s voice when Kihyun smiles at him and asks, “What? Can’t I show you some love?”

He can’t deny the fluttering of his heart when the words leave Kihyun’s lips and he smiles softly, “You’re being really strange.”

The brunet locks their fingers together and he looks at him, eyes wide and innocent, “Well... I was thinking...”

There’s an adorable flush on his cheeks and he chewed on his lower lip, “I was thinking that _maybe..._ ”

“Maybe?” Hoseok arched an eyebrow.

“Maybe, we’re ready to try again? Take another step...?” Kihyun murmured, “I mean, if you want to...”

It’s entirely too endearing. Hoseok feels his heart melting a little bit as he pulled Kihyun into another kiss.

“Are you sure?” he asked, quietly pressing his forehead to Kihyun’s. The brunet nodded quietly.

“It’s _you_.”

 

 

 

That night, for the first time in almost a year, Hoseok presses Kihyun to the sheets, gently running his fingers across his body with affection in his eyes. He kisses down every inch of the younger man’s body, whispering words of pure love. Kihyun’s eyes shone with adoration, when their lips met; he’s still smiling when the blond pulled his shirt over his head and spread a thousand more kisses across his chest. “I love you more than anything. Remember that.”

“I couldn’t forget even if I tried,” Kihyun whispered, fingers curling into Hoseok’s blond locks and his back arches a little when his body moves into the kisses pressed to his body.

“You’re so beautiful,” the blond murmured against soft skin.

The shy flush on Kihyun’s cheeks only makes his heart burn with an inexplicable endearment——he reminds himself of how in love with this man he was; how in love he is. It blows his mind that he ever let go of something _this_ perfect.

He makes love to the younger man, like it’s the first time all over again; gentle fingers pushing into him with utmost care and soft reassuring whispers. Hoseok takes his sweet time and by the time he nudges himself deep inside of Kihyun and fucks him with their fingers intertwined, the younger man is almost crying from the desperation for his touches.

And when they’ve both found sweet release, after Hoseok drags out every second and focuses on making Kihyun _feel_ how much he loves him, they curl up against one another under the blankets. Their sweaty bodies pressed against one another and Hoseok’s sinewy arms wrapped around Kihyun’s waist.

They’re spent and blissed out——smiling at one another with fond eyes. Hoseok shifted, pulling Kihyun’s body closer to himself and the younger man peers up at the blond. And he’s the first to speak; voice softly filtering through the space between them. Hoseok squeezes his hand gently and looks at him.

“Hoseok,” Kihyun exhaled, “I’m home.”

Again, there’s that fluttering sensation in his stomach. He doesn’t think that anything is better than this.

“Now, stay,” Hoseok whispered against his lips and Kihyun sighed softly. It’s a sound of bliss, because nothing really matters but them, in this moment. “Stay with me.”

“I’m never leaving you, again,” Kihyun murmured, forehead pressed to the taller man’s.

“Are you sure?” he presses the tips of his fingers into Kihyun’s hips, gently and he raised his eyes to meet with the younger man’s. He asks, but he’s hoping that there’s not going to be an answer that might tear his heart into tiny pieces.

But, Kihyun’s never disappointed him, “Yeah, I’m sure, because no one loves me like you do, no one will love me more than you do and... no one loves you like I do.”

Hoseok’s heart pounds in his chest and he smiles. _This, all this, was worth it._

“Too many words, not enough kissing me,” the blond murmured and Kihyun smacked his chest.

“You asked me,” he complained and Hoseok couldn’t help the smirk.

“You’re still talking,” he remarked. Kihyun growls and presses their lips together. Hoseok smiles into it.

Kihyun isn’t ready to put a name on their relationship, yet. Not when he just walked out of one which left his heart and mind in pieces, but Hoseok would patiently wait for him——stand by his side and hold his hand as he healed. They didn’t need labels for their relationship to know that they loved one another. So, they’d worry about that later.

And with every kiss Hoseok pressed to Kihyun’s lips and every smile which danced across the younger man’s visage, Hoseok swears that there isn’t a single moment that he’s felt more _bliss_. Everyone loves differently, he’s always told himself: for him, _love is Kihyun._

海誓山盟. _Hǎi shì shān méng_. A promise of eternal love, _promises of mountains and vows of seas_ ; it’s a Chinese idiom. And even if there’s troubles amidst their love, even if there’s mountains that they’re forced to move; even if they have to cross a thousand seas, no matter how sappy it sounds, love is love and Hoseok loves Kihyun.

And Kihyun loves him just as much.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, i can be found on [twitter](http://twitter.com/yuseokki)! comments are appreciated. i love you all, and i'll see you all in about... four days? hehe!


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